I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This is my gift to your gina
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
