At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
