I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
