I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
