Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize