I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
