My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
