I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
