fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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