I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
