I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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