oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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