He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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