i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
