you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
