Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
