Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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