Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
