I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
