you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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