So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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