My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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