Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
