Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
