Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
