sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
