I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
