No stitches, just platelets and will power
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
