I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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