just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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