I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
