oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
