They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
