Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
