i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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