i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
