I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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