I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
