Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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