from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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