I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
