Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
