When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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