Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
