I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
