i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish I only lived at night.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
