a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
