So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
