Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She bit a glass in half.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
