I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
