Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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