is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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