I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
