John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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