Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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