I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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