and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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