That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
