U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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