I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
