my being single is dangerous.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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