Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
