They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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