so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
