can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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