You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
