I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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