ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize