Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize